How to Become a Better Person
by Polly83
Summary: Sequel to "How to Survive". Is it possible for Patrick Jane to be a better man and not just a 'pain in the ass' consultant? Surely it's harder than he thought.


**Thanks to everyone that reviewed my previous story. ****The next one-shot will bend more on the romance side. This is still about Patrick Jane trying to live among the 'normals'.**

**How to Become a Better Person**

I've been back at work for a month, in what I like to call my life-after-Red John, and I'm trying to change my life, to be somehow a better person.

I have to admit it's harder than I ever thought.

In my life I've always chosen as I pleased, I've always thought that pushing buttons, toying with other people's feelings was more fun, but I was capable of good things too. I never wanted to be a hero, to save lives, or to be a saint and sacrifice myself for every lost cause that crosses my path. Nonetheless I've always thought I could distinguish good from bad. As I realized lately, that's easier said than done. Way easier.

I'm not in touch with anyone from my former life, so the only people I have daily contact with are Lisbon and the team. They tried to be supportive by being more gentle and patient than usual, but still this standoff is driving me crazy! It's like they have no idea what's running through my mind, so they're walking on egg shells. Problem is, I kind of lost my footing, they are quite right on that account.

Still, what worries me the most is that I don't know how to act around them anymore. Should I fool around all the time like I used to, like they expect me to do? That's the only behavior they've known me for. Or should I be more like Lisbon suggests, following the rules, trying not to get in danger and overall being more normal?

But then I wouldn't close as many cases.

There's some good and some bad in both methods.

And then there's another little problem about me trying to behave.

Whenever I tried being more serious nobody believed me! Especially Lisbon! On those occasions she looks at me _that _way, the way she reserves for when she can't really place my actions. If she asks me to look at some files and I say I'll do it I receive the same look.

I'm aware of the fact that I never had the best track record in behaving, but I wasn't that bad, was I? As much as I liked pushing buttons, I never did it just for fun, but to prove something. I never wanted to simply ruin someone's life, they have to give me credit for that. But apparently they don't want to. Or can't. I don't know which one it is.

So… how can I make them believe that my intentions are good?

This is driving me crazy!

The more I think about it the more I realize that I could probably win Grace or Rigsby over pretty easily, and even Cho would give in, eventually, but the one I'm really interested in is Lisbon.

Obviously.

Why am I even surprised? I no longer want her to believe me, but I need her to. It's like we're back to when I made her do a trust fall in the middle of investigating a case. I remember being serious about wanting her to trust me, even if at the time I wasn't sure why I wanted it.

Do I know it now? I'm not sure.

Maybe it's because she's the only one knowing me enough to make her trust worth having. I mean, maybe I could ask a bystander to trust me with something and he would, but he'd have no reason not to, but with her it's different. Maybe it's because she saw something good in me when I couldn't, but I want her to still look at me and see something good. Not once in a while, but as frequently as possible. I never tried to watch myself through someone else's eyes, but now I want to, and it's important for me to see that I'm doing something good with my life. Probably it's my way of making up for the lives I've ruined. Anyway, I think the point is, I want her to see me as a good man, and going as far as believing it myself.

As weird as it sounds, I feel like the moon gravitating around the sun. The sun in this metaphor being Lisbon. In some way I feel drowned to her.

Ridiculous, isn't it?

If I was Bastian and I needed to create Fantasia from scratch, I'd start from her.

Why?

I'm still not sure why her opinion, her judgment matters so much to me, considering I spend most of my time trying to rile her up; I'm still trying to figure that out.

I'm so attuned to her moods that whenever she's sad, it makes me sad too. And she doesn't deserve to be so sad. So many things happened in her life, terrible things. We have that in common. But I somehow caused the terrible things that happened in my life, with my behavior, while she did nothing of that sort.

Maybe that's why. I never wanted to heal because I felt guilty, but she have no reason to feel guilty. She's had so many responsibilities over the years, starting when she was young enough to still like dolls… I wish I could lift the weight she feels weighting on her shoulders at least as much as she lifted mine. For the first time in my life I want to give instead of taking. I want our relationship to be mutual, I want her to treat me as an equal, not just a means to an end.

Ironic how just a few weeks ago the only thing I looked for was the demise of Red John, and now instead I can't stop making wishes…

Especially wishes related to one Teresa Lisbon. One that would probably be better off without me butting into her life. Nonetheless, I'm too selfish to let go of the only thing that still makes sense in my otherwise miserable existence. And I'm not trying to call for pity, but, really, what else have I got? She's my only link to humanity. The only one I'd really fight for (the only one I fought –and killed- for). And if I can somehow give her something in return, then I'm willing to try. Whatever that something might be.

So how can I make her life easier?

She doesn't trust a lot of people. She trusts her team implicitly, for anything work related, and she trusts me to make her laugh and annoy her.

Maybe I'm doing everything wrong. I don't need to be somber, that's just not me. I have to use my judgment and see whenever she needs to let herself a little loose and when she just needs to be left alone instead. I can do it, I'm a mentalist after all… Then probably she will start to trust me… I just need to be patient and wait for her to see that I can be a better man. Maybe then she could also see that I can be her friend, not just a pain in the ass consultant…

Talking about being a pain in the ass, just now I realize how easy and uncomplicated it is to be selfish. When all you have to consider is yourself, your wit is the only variable in the equation. Easy. When you start trying to consider the other's feelings and reactions, then it gets a lot harder to make choices.

Before coming back to work I had the sudden idea that I could use my skills to help people. I mean, usually I use my talent to find out things, and in the process I hurt people, more than helping them. That was the pattern. The only person I ever wanted (or needed) to make up to is Lisbon.

But using my skills to help is not so easy.

The other day I tried reassuring a woman that her husband wasn't cheating on her (he was a suspect for the murder of a young girl, but I knew he was as innocent as a baby), and she was convinced I was trying to patronize her!

Usually people believes me! Maybe they yell at me because they have something to hide, but they_ do _believe me. And to top it all Lisbon got mad at me for upsetting the poor woman. I told her I was serious, and for a couple of seconds she considered the odds, but I could see she wasn't convinced.

That's incredibly frustrating!

I've been also wondering what makes me different from other people. Why when _I_ say something it has to be something witty or cruel and not just a simple statement. Society usually starts any normal conversation with trivial topics (weather, hobbies, traffic), but I'm not good with that. I usually say what I say to deliberately provoke a certain reaction. I don't do well talking just for exchanging pleasantries. It doesn't help that I have nothing to talk about. Nothing trivial anyway.

I've been spending so much of my time analyzing others that nobody willingly shares his/her emotions with me.

I started talking more, asking the team what they do outside of the office, in their free time, but they jumped to the conclusion that I'd end up mocking them for whatever it was they did. It would help if I had some kind of activity in common with the others, just to start a conversation (and to make them realize I'm not trying to pry just for the sake of it). Lisbon and Van Pelt have yoga, Rigsby apparently plays in the CBI rugby team, Cho likes to play chess (who would have guessed?) and I guess he plays some kind of sport too, something like basket, but I have yet to make him spill. So far that's all I gathered.

For today I had prepared an entry line about books. My first idea was to start talking with Cho, and then engage the others too in the conversation. Cho answered, but with monosyllables, as per usual, and the discussion had a short life. The only things I discovered are that Van Pelt reads a lot too, but usually just romance novels I've never heard about, and Rigsby read very little (if at all). So no help there.

I can't believe how difficult it is to be a normal person, when everyone expects you to be different!

I sigh in frustration and decide to go to Lisbon's office. She's doing paperwork and got her last coffee almost two hours ago, so she probably needs a refill.

I just hope it won't be as weird to talk to her… otherwise I could really explode.

I'm in the break room, her cup of coffee is ready in front of me, and so is my tea. I guess I was lost in thoughts because I didn't hear her coming in until she opened her mouth.

"It takes time, you know?"

Before I try to understand what is she talking about I realize I have no reason to venture into her office anymore, considering that now she can get her own coffee. Just my luck.

"What are you talking about?"

"The others. You can't change overnight and expect them not to be suspicious. The idea of the book club wasn't bad, by the way, but you can't expect Cho to lead a conversation outside the interrogation room. Try with movies the next time, they are easier to talk about. Less revealing."

"Were you listening?"

I hadn't even thought that she could be listening… She's usually so focused on her work that she barely notices when someone comes in… Unless she does notice, but pretends not to because she doesn't want to be disturbed. By me. I'll have to verify how well she can hear from her office... Now that I think about it, I can imagine her, just minutes ago, smiling at my awkwardness. She's still clearly amused by the surprise seeping out of my voice.

"The door was open." She casually says, then there's a twinkle in her eyes and she starts smirking. "You've been waiting all day for the right moment to start this particular conversation, haven't you?"

"How do you know?"

Somehow I can see she knows I'm not talking about my poor attempt of a conversation, but the reason behind it.

"What? What you're trying to do? I might not be you, but I'm not _that_ oblivious. You've been struggling for weeks, trying to find your place in the world, so to speak. It takes time to change. You're doing fine so far, you've got nothing to worry about."

She knows. It feels almost like a déjà vu. Me having an illumination and realizing she notices a lot more than I give her credit for.

All this time, I thought she hadn't noticed, but she had.

I feel like hugging her, but I don't think she'd appreciate.

Before I can properly recover from the shock she managed to walk to the counter to take her cup of coffee and walking back to the doorframe, looking back at me with a smile. My cup of coffee, the one I had made for her.

"Thanks for the coffee" is the last thing she says, smiling at me, before disappearing behind the door.

Okay, I know that she didn't have to be a mentalist to know that I was about to bring her coffee a) because I do it all the time, especially when I'm bored and b) because I used her favorite mug. Still, every time she does something like that it takes me off guard. It's nothing like the time she told me she knew I wasn't going to kill Red John, that was huge, but it leaves me confused all the same.

What leaves me even more confused trough is that I'm a lot more relaxed now, knowing she noticed my intentions. Again, a few words from her meant more to me than years of thought and practice at reading people.

She said I am doing fine. That means there's still hope for me after all…

4


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